Joni Ernst '26
I’m Senator Joni Ernst, except I’m not, because I was too fucking stupid to secure my own campaign domain. Now it’s a shrine to my political cowardice, performative grit, and the Bible verses I weaponize to avoid responsibility. Enjoy the site. It’s more honest than I’ve ever been.
“We’re all going to die” isn’t just a warning, it’s my campaign promise.
About Me
A senator in title, but a coward in practice. I peddle fear and dress it in camouflage. That's leadership! I vote against veterans while waving flags, gut rights while quoting scripture, and smile through every lie as long as it keeps me in power. I’ve built a career on betrayal: of women, of working people, of anyone who expected more than a folksy catchphrase and a loaded gun.
Experience
Work History
U.S. Senate (2015–Present)
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Voted against expanding healthcare access, then campaigned on “supporting our troops.”
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Opposed equal pay protections while preaching “hard work pays off.”
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Prioritized corporate donors over constituents, then blamed D.C. gridlock for the damage.
Women’s Rights Underminer
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Co-sponsored multiple bills to restrict reproductive rights, even in cases of rape or incest.
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Used faith as a shield while stripping women of autonomy and care.
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Branded cruelty as “common sense Iowa values.”
Fear Peddler & Soundbite Specialist
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Leveraged trauma, war, and religion to sell hollow patriotism.
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Latest slogan: “We’re all going to die.” Doubling down on despair when solutions would’ve required courage.
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Left leadership at the door and took a selfie with the wreckage.
Achievements
Because Failure Deserves a Glossy Finish
Voter Satisfaction
"Relentlessly Failing Beneath Standards"
I’ve mastered the art of convincing Iowans I care. Folksy ads, hog metaphors, right before voting against their interests. I voted to gut the Affordable Care Act, then claimed to support rural healthcare. I opposed the Violence Against Women Act, then smiled through speeches about protecting survivors. I backed corporate tax breaks while Iowa farmers went under, and called it “fiscal responsibility.” My loyalty isn’t to the people, it’s to the donors, the lobbyists, and whatever keeps the applause going until Election Day.
Excellence
"I deliver style where substance should be."
Excellence in avoiding accountability, dodging tough questions, and delivering empty platitudes with a forced smile. When asked about Donald Trump’s role in the January 6th insurrection, I hedged and deflected, then voted to acquit him anyway. When grilled about reproductive rights, I leaned on vague “pro-life” talking points, all while supporting bans with no exceptions for rape or incest. I’ve claimed to support veterans, yet voted against expanding VA benefits under the PACT Act. And every time the press tries to pin me down, I pivot to a well-rehearsed line about Iowa values, because it's easier to perform concern than to actually give a shit.
Solutions
"I excel at identifying problems, and making them worse."
Specialized in offering none. When faced with crises, I choose prayer over policy and slogans over substance. During the COVID-19 pandemic, I pushed conspiracy-tinged claims about inflated death counts instead of advocating for meaningful public health measures. I’ve offered “thoughts and prayers” after mass shootings while consistently voting against common-sense gun reforms. I talk about “fiscal responsibility” but supported a $1.9 trillion tax cut that ballooned the deficit and favored corporations over working families. My solution to climate change? Pretend it’s not urgent, then promote Big Ag and fossil fuel interests as “innovation.” In every real moment that demanded leadership, I brought a catchphrase, and left the rest to burn.
Collaboration
"Showing up just long enough to say no, then blaming everyone else for the fallout."
I’ve built my record working against others and by standing firm for my party, not for the people. I opposed the Equality Act because protecting LGBTQ+ Americans doesn’t fit the brand. I backed Trump’s ban on transgender troops, even while claiming to “support the military.” I talk about freedom, but only for the few. If you’re asking for dignity, rights, or basic protections and you don’t fit the GOP mold, don’t expect much from me, just a Bible verse and a voting record that leaves you out.
Leadership
"Following the loudest voice in the room, so long as it’s angry, male, and wearing a flag pin."
Led from behind. Behind the party line, behind bad legislation, and always behind when courage was needed. I followed Trump through every scandal, even after the insurrection, voting to acquit him during his second impeachment despite overwhelming evidence. I stayed silent when Iowa needed real climate solutions, yet voted to confirm fossil fuel lobbyists to key environmental posts. I toed the GOP line on abortion, supporting extreme bans even when they endangered women's lives. When the PACT Act for veterans’ healthcare first came up, I joined a blockade, only to reverse under pressure. Leadership means showing up when it’s hard, I show up when it’s safe.
Community Engagement
"Engage with the community the same way I engage with facts...briefly, awkwardly, and only when cameras are rolling."
My idea of engagement is shaking hands at county fairs, then disappearing when the votes hit the floor. I post selfies with veterans while voting against expanding their healthcare through the PACT Act. I talk about protecting women, then oppose the Violence Against Women Act. I film commercials in flannel and camo, but push policies that hurt working families and favor corporate interests. I visit disaster-stricken communities, only to vote against infrastructure and climate resilience bills that could help them rebuild. For me, community engagement is all optics. Accountability never makes the cut.
A Combat Veteran, betrayed but not surprised
"Joni Ernst salutes us in public and screws us in office. She’s all camo, no courage."
A Gay Man, still here, no thanks to her
"Joni Ernst treats my existence like a political inconvenience. I’m a gay man, not a campaign prop, and I’ve survived worse than a scared senator in camo."
An Iowan Farmer, watching the crops die while she feeds donors
"Joni Ernst cashed in our farms for corporate checks. She doesn’t represent Iowa, she rents it out."